Weiner Comes Clean

In recent news, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY, pronounced WEE-ner) has admitted to wrong-doing.  In the name of  journalistic integrity on this blog, I researched by googling "exposed weiner"  (I don't recommend that you do the same).

During this probe, Weiner's cocky attitude has not won him public favor.  As Weiner continued to be grilled,  he was reluctant to rise to the level of integrity demanded by his constituents. His lies thus far could be indicative that criminal complaints will follow, leaving the distinct possibility that Weiner will face the U.S. penile system.

Rep. Dick Johnson (R- CA) commented, "Let's be honest- he's been caught. Weiner will have a hard time getting off."  Others disagree, admiring Weiner's forthcoming honesty.  "I don't know why everyone is so hung up on this.  He shouldn't be condemned. In fact, Weiner should have a statue erected in his honor," stated Jimmy Wood, president of the National Foundation for Ethical Behavior.

Although Representative Weiner may or may not be up for re-erectionelection, preliminary talks have begun for him to become the new face of the Oscar Meyer corporation, which would carry a hefty paycheck.

Penis.

Watersports and Freedom, -or- Things Not to Try When One is Pushing 30

I think I celebrated Memorial Day in one of the most American ways possible.  In memory of our fallen soldiers, I fell,while celebrating my freedom, and consequently memorialized the official loss of my youth.  Pretty darn patriotic, right?  Here's what really happened:  I tried to learn to water ski and busted my butt (quite literally).  I'm not sure what is more damaged- my ass or my ego.

The unthinkable happened this weekend:  I actually found myself childless, physically healthy, and responsibility-free, and all on a holiday weekend!  So, in typical me fashion, I took what could have been a perfect weekend of relaxation and turned it into OvercompensationFest 2011.  "I can sleep in!" I thought to myself.  But did I stop there?  No.  Noooooo.

"I'll have champagne for breakfast!  It's a celebration!" said my internal monologue.
"An impromptu boat trip?  Great idea!" it soon repeated.
"I think now would be the PERFECT time to try waterskiing!"  I heard that pesky inner voice say.  Oh wait- no, that was my actual out-loud voice, as spoken to my friend (and boat owner) Bruce, over a few domestic beers.

 Bruce, who is younger than me and childless, decided to humor this obviously ridiculous idea. 

Someone should have stopped me before the rope was ever thrown out.   I managed to accomplish donning the skis and getting into position with all the grace and aquatic finesse of a 1-flippered manatee with an inner-ear infection.  Bruce informed me that the hardest part was getting up, and that a good strategy was to keep my legs together.  Lord knows I have plenty of practice doing that, so I thought I was in the clear.

Then came the motor.  Did I manage to keep my legs together?  No, no I did not.  Picture a strong toddler who is determined to see just how far out of socket Barbie's leg will bend.  That should give you a pretty good picture of the resulting movement of my left leg (albeit with a flabbier, less-shapely leg).  I knew I had hurt myself, but my pride hurt more.  So genius me, now stubbornly pissed off, got right back up and did the exact same thing again.  I realized very quickly that it was over.  At least for now.

Today I went back to work, hobbling around and trying to think of a clever lie to tell people when they ask me why I am limping.  I can't bring myself to say, "I dislocated my butt trying to learn to waterski over the weekend." It's just not dignified.  A least not for a woman my age.

I officially have item #1 on my "Things I should have attempted over a decade ago" list.

Valentine's Day Cards that Can't Quite Commit

This is a V-Day card MADE for men.  My "friend" just got this card in the mail:

"Because You Mean So Much"

Valentine's Day/ is a day for telling/ those people we care about/ just how much/ they mean to us.../
So I couldn't/ let this day go by/ without you knowing/ how very much/ I enjoy being with you./
The times we share/ are very special to me.../ and so are you.
HAPPY (all caps) Valentine's Day (obligatory scroll-y script).

Somebody actually got paid to write that.  I read the fine print- yep, it's actually from Hallmark. 

Now- my translation:

"Because You are Putting Out on a Semi-Regular Basis"
Valentine's Day/ is a day/ that I don't give a crap about/ but I know you expect something from me/
So I couldn't/ let this day go by/ without you thinking/ I acknowledge this/ so I can still get laid./
The times we share/ are sex/ and therefore I like them.../ and you're ok, too.
Again with the "HAPPY Valentine's Day."

Although the quality of their writing has obviously gone down, I will hand it to them: they are tapping into their niche markets. Hallmark:  Not just your grandmother's greeting card.

Sometimes, Words aren't Enough

So, I just got this handy reference brochure in the mail from the public school system for which I am employed...

Great!  A new employee assistance program!  How thoughtful.  But wait- let's zoom to the fine print on the back...

Brilliant.  Thank you, public school systems of America. 

On Jesus and Drool

I'm not a particularly religious person at this stage in my life (I'll stop and wait for the audible gasps to subside...)  I believe in a higher power and the Greater Good, but I don't want to be one of those douche-baggy people who say, "I'm not religious, I'm SPIRITUAL."

I grew up hardcore COC (Church of Christ, for you lay people), and then immediately rebelled against it upon being subjected to daily chapel and Bible classes at Lipscomb University.  To be fair to Lipscomb, I was already leaning away, but that was the Jesus-straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

Now that I'm a mommy, I am revisiting the whole religion thing.  I have fond memories of church as a small child (it's when I became old enough to ask questions that things went sour), and I think it's good for kids to grow up with that moral compass and community.  Therefore, I'm trying to find some happy medium for A.  You know, somewhere in between Sunday pagan sleeping-in rituals, and Shoving-Jesus-Forcibly-Down-Your-Throat-Old-School-COC.

So the question becomes, what kind of church fits my little family?  It needs to be strong enough for Austin, yet pH-balanced for Mommy.  Liberal enough to accept that I'm an unrepentant single mother/ recreational alcoholic, but not so liberal as, for example, the Unitarian Church fairy walks (no joke- a teacher down the hall from me last year did that shit.)

I actually tried a new church today, and it was ok.  You can click here for the full review.  I didn't burst into flames, so that was good.  A was also super-smiley when I picked him up from the nursery, so that was good, too.  I didn't rededicate my life or anything this morning, but at least I had A mingling with a morally superior group of tots.

So far, so.... so...

e-Dating.

Interesting.

I feel like I can't give an impartial review, and here's why:

• I tried it on a whim,  
• I really don't give a damn if I meet someone or not, and 
• My ulterior motive is writing material or a funny story or two for dinner parties.

That being said- I can't decide if I am awesome or the biggest loser ever (in the improper noun sort of way- not in the Capitalized/ Jillian Michaels And Allison Sweeny Just Handed Me A Grand Prize Of $250,000 sort of way.) I hear complaints from various friends about not receiving enough matches, or not getting any dates from the 2 particular sites that I have joined (the other shall remain nameless to keep my last shred of dignity somewhat intact-ish).  Me, however- I get plenty of matches.  These matches have included gems such as:

• A cattle farmer
• An avid self-help book reader and collector (Grrreeeat)
• Men who I consider "geographically challenged"
• A couple of guys who, judging from their pictures, I am pretty sure had parents who were related
• Fatties.  eHarmony clearly didn't listen to my particular deal-breakers.
• And this one guy who sent a message to introduce himself with the subject, "Let's F@ck."  Except he didn't use a euphamistic symbol.  And he didn't actually introduce himself.  That's all there was to it.

Between these 2 sites, there are 3 or 4 guys that I find interesting (But one of those is un-datable- he's overweight, has a creepy beard, and lists his profession as "the pursuit of happiness."  He also included an FBI "person of interest" picture.  He's hilarious, though).  Of the potentially datable ones, one seems a little too young, one is a little too old, and one looks just right (and he's hot!), but he uses bad grammar.

My initial screening process is twofold:  once through where I am too nice, and then through the list again later, armed with chardonnay and a girlfriend to make the harsher but inevitable cuts.  I haven't met anyone yet, but I am working on being less judgmental.

On Dating (and Drool)

I hate dating.  Hate, hate, hate it.  I always have.  Perhaps that's why I habitually date guys I work with- because I already know them, and I get to skip the whole awkward, "You like horses? I like horses, TOOOOO!" part.  However, I am growing increasingly concerned about the level of co-dependence that my roomie and I seem to be slipping so easily into.  She fixes things while I cook dinner.  I take out the trash while she does dishes.  Yesterday, I ordered for her before she got to happy(ish) hour.

One of my BFFs, Misty, has been in a co-dependent relationship with her roommate for about 4 years now.  They are an old married couple- I swear it.  D and I have not been cohabiting long enough for this.  It must stop now, before it is too late!

So, now that I have taken a good hard look at my current life, I see pretty clearly that my most likely future includes me, D, and about 20 hairless cats.  I'm not math-savvy enough to run the actual statistical analysis, but I'm pretty sure that the odds aren't good.  Although I love my roomie dearly, I am not quite ready to give up yet (after my recent for-real 29th birthday, I consider it a waste of my last good trophy-wife years).  On that note, I have decided to do the unthinkable...

I am going to consider the possibility of dating.  Like, really dating.  And on that note (and also on Ambien), I have signed up for 3 months of eHarmony at a "limited time special price."  I never thought in a million years that I would be at this point:  yet another single mom on a dating website. Stay tuned for results-  I expect hilarity to ensue.  If nothing else, it could make for good blogging, no?