Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Men who Want Minivans and the Women who Love(d) Them

     Mom friends, countrymen, suburbanites, lend me your ears:  I come to call your attention to a hidden U.S. epidemic-- More and more men are secretly wanting mini-vans.

     But are these men- our husbands, fathers, and businessmen- caravaning in suited droves to the local Dodge dealership?  No.  No, they are not.  Instead, they are trying to seduce us, their women, into the test driver's seat of Siennas and Odysseys.  They are luring us into believing that we need a minivan to properly fulfill our suburban destiny.  They casually drop amenities like "extra cabin space" and the "convenience of sliding doors" into any and all auto-related conversations.  And be sure that every time we bitch and moan about some trivial problem with our sensible mid-sized sedans, these men latch on, minivan wheels spinning in their heads.

"But why are all these men suddenly wanting minivans?" you may ask.  I have no idea. But alas, it seems that the days of domestic bickering over mid-life crises and sporty convertibles are soon to be long gone.  And as they go, so too go oversized pick-up trucks and chest hair.  It's simply un-American.

What I do know, however, is why these men are trying to fulfill their minivan fantasies vicariously through us, their unsuspecting female companions.  It is simple: Pride.  They are ashamed to admit that inner longing and drive, that desire for extended drive-train and sensibility.  We, ladies, are the cover.  This way, they can play the "I had to appease the wife" card over the water cooler as their masculine friends snicker at the new purchase.  But be sure when it is time for the next family outing, your man will "offer" to take the wheel so you can relax.  He can always nod to you if another man driver casts him a condescending look at a traffic light.

I ask you this:  If our men are too good to be seen driving mini-vans, aren't we? I submit to you that we are. Beware the closeted minivan wanter.  The next time hubby casually leaves out a copy of Motor Trends opened to the latest review of the Chrysler Town & Country, close it, or better yet, cover it with Cosmo.  The next time he looks at you with that baby-making gleam in his eye, ask yourself exactly where he plans to have you put the extra car seat.  Check out this gem from a popular minivan manufacturer's website:

"Sure, function led you to Grand Caravan, but when you change from errand clothes to evening clothes, it's nice to navigate shiny chrome and a crosshair grille up to the valet with pride."  
Who wrote this?  A man did.

 Resist, reach within, and seek out that sexy inner you- the one before salaried jobs and mortgages, when the souvenir from a hot date was a hangover, not a balloon for the kid.  What will it be- MILF or mom jeans?

Stand for what you believe in, or else go ahead and proudly don those jeans in all their high-waisted glory.
I say we leave the minivans to caterers and home-schoolers where they belong.  It's a little thing called dignity. It's time to rise up and fight for womankind- and for manhood.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Application for Step Dad

Repost- trying to consolidate some blogs. Still relevant, though! :)

Application for Step-Dad
Current mood: cantankerous

Announcing vacancy for Step dad for Austin, trophy husband for Erin (11/04/08)

Please answer the following questions truthfully and honestly. Please attach a separate page if you feel any answer needs to explained more thoroughly.


Sex: (One can't be too sure these days)
Approximate salary: _______ yearly
Marital Status: if divorced, how evil is your ex-wife? 1(least evil- 5 makes Satan look like a Girl Scout) 1 2 3 4 5
amount of alimony/ month? ___
Children? y / n if yes, how many?
amount of child support/ month? ____
Do you like children? y n
Do you want to have more children? y n if yes, how many? ____

More questions:
Are you a musician, or do you plan in any way to one day support yourself by being a professional musician instead of your current job as a waiter? If yes, thank you for your interest, but your skill set is not a match for this position at this time. Y/ N

How crazy is your mother? 1 2 3 4 5
How involved is she in your life? 1 2 3 4 5
Do you work out? Y/ N
Please list your hobbies:

On a scale from 1-5, how much rage would you have if I asked you to take out the trash? 1 2 3 4 5

Do you drink? Y N
If yes, what is your drink of choice? Beer __ Whiskey __ Martini __ Something Fruity__ Jagermeister__
If you answered "Something Fruity" or "Jagermeister," you do not need to answer any more questions on this application. Thank you for your interest.
Approximate of drinks per week? 1 or 2 ___ 3-5___ 5-10___ I don't remember ___

You would best describe your perfect date as:
A. A couple of drinks, and a professional sporting event
B. A candlelight dinner and scenic walk
C. Doing repeated shots of Jagermeister at a dingy sports bar, followed by showing me videos of episodes of Reality TV that you appeared on
D. Just hanging out at home talking and watching movies
E. Something so strange and disturbing that it would never ever make this list

What is your credit score? ___

Approximately how many hours per week will you be willing to help me with the baby? ___

What would you want your role to be in Austin's life?
A. A strict disciplinarian
B. A friend and confidant
C. A role model
D. I want Austin to be my golf caddy
E. Mortal enemy
F. Other (please explain) __________

Why do you want to be considered for this position?

Thank you for your interest. Candidates who are determined by HR to be matches for the position will be contacted for follow-up interview.

Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll#ixzz0r8QnzVaN

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Kissing Frogs: A Thinly-Veiled Metaphor

There once was a young woman who would sometimes think back to her childhood. She remembered, quite vividly, catching tadpoles in various neighborhood bodies of water on those long, lazy Southern summer days. It was such a small thrill- the chase, the competition, the catch. There was strategy and risk, triumph and defeat. The neighborhood kids would boldly venture through unexplored woods, on a quest for the perfect pond- the Holy Grail of Tadpoling. Sure, there were tangible risks, like poison ivy and Copperheads, but that was all part of the allure- that element of danger lurking at the edge of almost stifling normalcy. Sometimes, some of the kids (those that were louder, braver, or more apt to prove Darwin right) would get side-tracked and try to catch the usually poisonous water snakes, but not her. She was smart enough to know when it was all for show, and besides, she wanted something attainable. And she always got it. At the end of the day, those other kids would count her amphibious conquests with envy, as they returned empty-handed to stretch tales of the deadly snake that got away. She would emerge from the forest sweaty, mud-stained, and victorious. If only she had outgrown it.

Of course, while catch and release was great fun, she was sometimes left wanting more (as children and sportsmen often do). Twice she made a valid attempt at keeping the tadpoles. In her first attempt, she tried to turn their captive environment into something cute and girly- a well-decorated trophy case in which to display her shrinking-tailed glories. Naturally, they soon died. Not being one to easily accept defeat, the girl learned from this attempt, and the next round of tadpoles were welcomed into a terrarium as close to their natural habitat as possible (however stagnant and un-color coordinated it might have been). She nurtured them, and took pleasure from watching them grow as a direct result of her time and attention. However, as the tadpoles realized their full potential and turned into frogs, she quickly came to the realization that she really had neither use nor desire for frogs. They were smelly, ugly, and loud; not to mention she had to actually procure food for them. She could have released them into the wild and set them free, but instead she chose the path of least resistance- leaving all but their most basic needs untended until the frogs grew big enough to escape their cage, hopping away to an uncertain fate.

Some things never change.