'Twas the night before due date, and I laid awake dreamless
not a creature was stirring, except for the fetus;
The hospital bag was laid by the front door with care
In hopes that the baby soon would be there.
The baby was nestled all snug in the womb
As I frantically struggled to finish his room
And I in my mu-mu, and BF, full of crap,
Had just settled down for a short useless nap,
When I felt a kick so strong on my bladder
I sprang from the bed to take care of the matter.
Away to the bathroom I flew like a flash,
Sat down on the toilet and heard quite a splash.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But part of my mucus plug, both yellow and clear.
And then I saw him! So fat and so hairy,
I knew that it must be... The Labor Fairy!
More rapid than eagles his contractions they came,
And he grunted, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now weight gain! Now stretch marks! Now cravings and swelling!
On Cankles! On Nausea! On uncontrollable yelling!"
"To L&D! To the doctor on call!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard my reaction
to the squeezing and cramping of each contraction.
As I drew in my breath, and waited for more,
In came The Labor Fairy, straight through my door.
He had a swollen face and a giant round belly,
That shook on its own, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right crabby old elf,
Yet I cheered when I saw him, in spite of myself.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work-
And that's when it all stopped! No way, what a jerk!
And giving me the finger in front of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his car. He had pulled off his caper.
I knew in that instant that this was false labor!
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY LABOR TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"